| Ouch. I'm hurtin for money. Bad.
I should have made at least $300 today which would have meant the tattoo would be $500 and that's for two tattoos combind. These clients did not want to spend more than 300 and i had to turn them away and it hurt cause i could have atleast made some dollar but now i have none. The sad truth though is if i had lowered the price and then done the tattoo i would be pissed cause the work i did was worth more. It is what it is and i can't be a push over in this business and i know that.
Good tattoos aren't cheap and cheap tattoos are not good.
Yaddamean?
Oh well the day just started so hopefully i'll get something in today.
Last weekend this crazy bitch came in to get a name on her neck and i had a bitch of a time. I started tattooing her and the bitch kept moving i couldn't get one straight line in. I freaked out, i couldn't do it. My "boss" came in and learned me. He took over and was hella cool about it.
This other appt. i was supposed to have last week had to cancel cause she got in a car accident.
Shit happens.
On to new topics
Drugs. They're amazing. But sooooooo bad. I let the yay get a good hold on me. It's been a week since i last smelt her but it still lingers. I popped a few days ago and that was amazing but i think i felt so good because i met my BEAUTIFUL prince... who also happens to be 70% deaf. Oh well. I've found that it's hella nice not having to talk. He can talk just fine and i love to listen to him. He makes me laugh so much and it's so refreshing. He's fun and funny and smart and sweet and really nice and fucking hot. He doesn't do drugs he doesn't drink he doesn't have one tattoo or piercing...or a job or a home and theres a warrent for him... but whatever, no one is perfect. Oh anyways, he made me promise him i wouldn't do drugs anymore, so theres that. Only thing, i'm bad with promises.
oh well. We'll see what happens. | comments: Leave a comment   |
| Today, a tattoo artist i work with said that i should keep a daily journal, but a tattoo journal. Even if i just write a paragraph a day, it would be a good idea. Since i'm just starting my tattoo journey he thinks i could maybe later on write a book. I thought it was stupid. I never plan on writing a book about being a female tattoo artist and how i had to wrok my way to the top or talk about the difference i have to deal with by being a female in a man's industry. How cliche?! *shrug* either way i plan on doing it if not just for myself in the future but u never know maybe i will write a book.
I started working at a shop. It's cool but very slow. A job is a job though. We're moving the shop to a new location in september so hopefully that will be better.
Aside from the tattoo thing my life has been pretty off the wall this year.
Between the sex drugs and alcohol and minor dramas shit has been pretty fun. I feel like i am getting caught up in the more superficial aspects of life though. It makes me feel shitty. Well it makes me feel shitty once the haze wears off and i can actually see whats going on. I'm just distracting myself from the bullshit going on in my life, or maybe the lack there of. I have this new job which is good but i hate the old one i still need to pay my bills until i build enough clientel to support myself. In my off time... i really could not even tell you what i do with my time but i can tell you it involves spending money and lately it's been on drugs... and cigarettes and alcohol. But it's so fake. I hang out with people but i feel like i have a wall up and i'm not enjoying the company just using it, if that makes any sense. I want a relationship i want someone to care about that cares about me.
I keep finding these boys who are adorable but totally not into ANYTHING close to serious. I don't want anything SERIOUS but not something thats just a waste of my time. I'm over fucking. I'm over the games. I'm over not being able to just chill the fuck out. I need the drugs to chill... well coke isn't much of a chill drug but it makes me forget and not give a shit.
Just shoot me please. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| So i kinda wanna start twittering... which is stupid cuz twittering is the most egotistical retarded thing ever... in the history of man... by far.
anyways though, the reason is because i'm finding i have many more side thoughts and comments i would like to share with people whether they actually read it or care or don't.
Like comments about the very confused weather or how i feel like a burden to society because i smoke in public. Stupid shit like that, which i guess is the whole point of twittering, not talking about what kind of sandwich i ate or what coffee drink i order.
I guess i just want to share my bitching with the world.
Anyways i have other moore important things on my mind that i feel the need to write about.
This morning i threw up some blood, which was rather unpleasant and a bit unsettling. I've been drinking but not eating much and most of what i do eat is garbage. I have a bit of a drinking problem as in i don't know when to stop and i can't have just one or two drinks. I drank about 5 or 6 beers last night and was convinced i wasn't drunk but i woke up this morning having a hard time remembering what happened. *sigh* i need to find more friends that i don't have to smoke or drink with.
The night before last i didn't plan on drinking and i ended up going out and had 3 or 4 (i can't remember) drinks and a shot after smoking a bowl. By the time we left i had harrassed this guy who works at safeway that is kinda cute. I don't even remember what we talked about but i have a feeling he didn't apprciate me approaching him. Then i decided to drive to my ex's so i didn't have to drive all the way home that drunk. Of course he was drunk too and tried to get in my pants and we got into a huge arguement and regardless of how drunk i was, decided to leave and drive home. I totally broke down in my car just being upset about how lonely i am and how i can't find a guy who truely likes me more than he likes my vagina and how stupid i am for thinking i could just crash at my ex's and not regret it, all because i drank far too much.
How i end up getting stupid drunk time after time is beyond me, but i guess that's one of man's biggest questions, way more puzzling than the purpose of life or if there really is a god. *Cough* seriously though, it's not like i'm super unhappy. Things are going well aside from being broke. Like i have a social life, i'm getting laid, trying new things and even more exciting i'm going to be tattooing at my work one day a week... hm well i don't know i guess i've been a bit overwhelmed, just by little things here and there. Then those little things get pushed aside and dismissed because that's my defense system and then i subconsciously drink to run away from those thoughts and feelings which is actually HELLA dumb because those emotions become intensified and get to the point where i can't control them, hense totally blowing up on my ex or talking shit to my room mate who has told me multiple times that i'm really mean when i'm drunk.
Am i an alcoholic? *Shrug* it sounds like it but part of me doesn't feel it's right to claim something like that, kinda like self diagnoising... or it's just denial rationalizing.
Either way i'm going to continue drinking because i don't believe that it's an uncurable illness... and it's just not something i'm going to do. I just need to work on will power and self control, which are two of my biggest problems... but maybe practicing those things with drinking isn't the best thing, but again, i'm still going to do it... hm maybe thats a perfect example of my lack of will power. WHATEVER.
On a lighter note, i've been hula hooping for fun and exercise. It's so great. So much fun. It's like dancing or being a planet with a plastic hoop orbiting you. And it's good for you, even if i am high or drinking while i do it... theres plenty of times when i'm sober doing it too.
I'm also taking up tagging and graffing. It's fun and exciting and another way to broaden my art horizon. And thats somthing you really shouldn't do intoxicated because you have to be pretty aware of your surroundings and you might have to run... which is not fun when you're drunk and/or high... and other drugs are just a no shit.
The sad thing though, i know that in a short time i'll drop both those activities and not really do anything with it. I have a habit of learning new things and then getting bored with it. I used to be able to hula hoop for a straight 2 or 3 hours and now i'll do it for 10 to 20 minutes and get bored. Or like with graffing, i'll spend money on paint and caps, try it here and there and then be over it. It'll be another thing to add to my "jack-of-all-trades" list. That title isn't very good but at the same time theres nothing wrong with learning and trying as many things as possible. I will always have my drawing and painting to call my own.
I feel like part of the reason i try so many new things is really just a search for my identiy or niche... wich is totally okay too, as long as i'm honest with myself about it. When it comes down to it though, i'm not a niche type of person. I consider myself to be an artist which i suppose is a niche... but a solitary one, um and that might be contradictory but it makes sense to me. Most artists can relate to eachother but they don't go around trying to start gatherings or clubs, like theres no such thing as a painting circle... okay none of that is true because there are art classes gallery shows and openings art clubs in schools and work shops and so on and so forth... and there are plenty of artists who are very cliquie. That's not the kind of artist i am though, i create art for myself and i don't mind sharing it but i'm not looking for "productive criticism" or acceptance. There are lots of artists like me out there and we have this unspoken connection and niche, that's what i'm getting at.
But i'm starting to ramble so it's time to shut up. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| It has been a VERY long time since i have updated.
I don't get a chance to get on the internet much seeing as i don't have it.
A lot has happened since i last updated... naturally.
A lot is still the same, though.
I still work 7 days a work at the same fucking places... anyways though i don't need to recap, no one really reads this anyway.
*************************************
I feel odd i don't know really what is going on. I have no fucking clue what i want.... need whatever i don't even know which is what.
fuck it.
I've lost an interest in writing right now.
I'm just confused | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Erm... cough... so i suppose much has happened since i last wrote.
I'm not going to go back and re cap it all.
I'm single and not seeing anyone.
In fact i'm most certainly a tad bit fearful of sex at the moment. I feel a tad bit betrayed and even manipulated by my own vagg. It's RATHER silly to believe that a body part could have a conscience of it's own and choose to decieve me and not just that but to think it might actually have power over my own consience to do such.
Well, either way, i do believe that that is exactly what happened.
Not to mention i've kinda given into the whole romantic ideal of simply having a companion to share and experience things with rather than a partner... *shrug* for lack of a better word.
In other words, i feel my sex drive has dwinddled a tad bit or has been scared off by the trickeree that my vagina has dabbled in.
Oh, i guess i should explain my reasoning behind thinking my vagina manipulated me; Well it mad me think that all i needed was sex and penis... so i gave it sex and penis even if i didn't really feel like it... and then after awhile i realized that it was lying to me all along and that i most certainly do not just need sex i just need a fucking hug and a shoulder to cry on... but my vagina gets very little from those things... needless to say i'm rather upset by the whole situation but whatever i'll move on and forgive and forget.
On to other subject matters...
I've been drawing.
Uhg... i quit smoking.
I feel as if i'm trying very hard to keep myself busy.... my mind and body, to avoid thinking about smoking. It's so fucking hard. It's making me very fucking emotional really. I feel like crying every night just out of frustration. I've been getting very angry aswell. There's the craving, the addiction, the habit... the worst of the withdrawl symtoms and most difficult to deal with is the anger. It's not a mild irritation throughout the day, that should go without say, mild irritation is easy to ignore or atleast not relate to the lack of nicotine, but the anger, the serious bouts of overwhelming hostility and rage. My chapt stick fell out of my pocket today and i had to muffle my screams. It makes it hard for me to sustain a level head in public. I hate it. I now remember why after a week of not smoking the last time i quit i gave in and bought the patch. That did wonders cuz it helped ease that anger and it also makes so if i were to break down and have a cigarette i'd most certainly throw up.
FUCK
I need to stop wasting my money on cigarettes though... it's just too much. I spend about $200 a month (give or take) on cigarettes. Even if i could afford to keep blowing that kind of money on giving myself health problems why the fuck would anyone want to do that?! I've always known i spent a shit load on smoking but i would ignore it, say it doesn't matter, that it beats having to quit and deal with all the fucking shit of quitting. fuck... it's not like it's crack or heroin but it's not the chemical addiction... well it isn't JUST the chemical addiction, it isn't just boredome... cigarettes never get you high but fuck every time i feel bored anxious mad sad intellectual spiritual focused calm overwhelmed... FUCK i had a cigarette whenever i could and i used every fucking excuse reasoning whatever that i could or you could think of to have one! It's just one more... what does it matter if i have one right now or wait five minutes? Yeah i just had one but i can have another, what's the harm? What difference does it makee.... GAWD.... i need to get drunk... but i don't... i just need to breathe, relax, have some candy, pick up a pencil and draw, read, watch a movie.... i can't breath cuz i feel like i'm choking, i can't relax cuz i can't breath, fuck a candy sugar isn't going to give me any fix, everything i draw involves smoking or a dancing pack of smokes, i love smoking while reading, everyone in movies smoke!
It's bitter sweet...
NEW topic
... I have nothing else... forget it. Time to find something new to distract me. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Damn so there has been this NASTY vibe floating around.
I feel like low. I don't feel depressed or sad just low
The cat is eating my face right now.... it's annoying but how can anyone feel bad with a cat licking your face.
*sigh* before i went into the tattoo shop this morning i smoked some pot. That's not me, i don't smoke during the day because i can't deal.... but i did.
I'm really tired
I'm tired of drinking everynight going to bed drunk...
It physically wares me out and then i mentally get worn out then i become emotion.
rest is important.
FUCK
*sigh*
I wanna go out tonight, to a movie, with a boy, and i want to hold that boys hand.
That would make me feel safe and near magical
i don't need a whole lot
I'm a cheap date | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Wow so i was gonna put my glasses on so i can see what i'm typing but i forgot them at home.
That situation is lame for a couple reasons; A: it's lame that i need my glasses to see clearly, they have gotten so much worse in the last couple of months B: i ALWAYS forget shit!
*sigh*
Anyways
I have not posted in a fucking minute but whatever i don't have internet at home so i have to come to my parents house to browse the web.
New stuff:
Getting laid... plus a bit of drama... no not drama just bullshit i put myself threough...
I got my scoop pierced yesterday! (scoop: it's a curved bar that goes through the top of the tongue in a horizontal position) Now i have three balls on the top of my tongue!
I've been listening to sunnyday real estate off the hook
I've been tattooing and the shit i've been tattooing looks pretty good... i.e. i've progressed from shit to better than shit.
i got a computer but have yet to get internet... it's another expense and all you know.
I've been drinking and smoking
*Shrug*
Really though, things aren't too different from the last time i posted.
Things with the cat from work are interesting but only because the situation is beyond confusing. I have no clue what goes on in that kids head... but the sex is amazing.
Sadly enough though, that's all i really have going on in my life right now, aside from working and tattooing, and adjusting to the new responsiblities of living on my own.
I'm still a total loser... but i don't.... fuck it's the same shit i really don't need to go and type it for the 5millionth time.
Oh yeah, i have a head cold... a sevre head cold. My head is full of mucus and snot and fluid... i can feel it moving around... my ears hurt my glands are swollen and my sinuses throb. This is a feeling i'm all too familliar with. I get this nasty sinus infection about once a year. I used to get them all the time when i was little and it would turn into broncitis and then pneomonia. It hasn't gotten to the broncitis status in a couple of years though... but i do have to be careful i smoke an all and it just makes things harder on myself.
I thought i would have a lot to write about but i don't.
I was pretty depressed the last month or so but i'm coming out of it. I've been drawing and tattooing and it makes me so happy.... there is no doubt in my mind that this is my calling......... okay whatever point is drawing doesn't make me happy.... sometimes the product makes me smile or i feel a sense of pride but really it's the zone i reach when i draw that makes me chill out and clear my head, i feel at peace... well when i'm not frustrated with a drawing... and then with tattooing i get a chance to share my talent to make other people feel a sense of satisfation... well for them it's more of a happiness i suppose... HA! that is if they ARE happy with the tattoo. I haven't had a situation where someone was unhappy with what i did (that i know of). Yeah some things most things i have to touch up but the last 3 tattoos i've done... well 4 i haven't really had to touch up. *Sigh* i love it i really do. I'm suppose to tatttoo tonight but i kinda don't want to... heh... i'm sick and my tongue is swollen and sore and i can't talk very well which is better off since this sinus issue i have and all the meds i'm taking to try and drain it makes me kinda retarded... or atleast not think... right... well... i don't really know whwere my head is at... so it all works out, HA and to top it off it's not like i really have anyone to talk to anyways... okay that's me being emo thanks to the SunnyDay.... i need to call my mom but i don't want to cause she'll ask why i'm talking funny plus i'm gonna be at the tattoo shop and i'll need to use my words.
I could also bitch about money but fuck it i'm going to be different and not worry about it.
My check was dirt and thank god i get paid again before the 1st otherwise i'd be putting my ass on the street to make rent
money isn't real but it seems to be the biggest stresser for most. hmmm... kinda like religion.... interesting. No, people are just stupid that's all... there is nothing interesting about that if you ask me.
I wish i could focus better. The clearatin d mixed with sphuedephed sevre cold mixed with sinus pressure and pain mixed with pain from my tongue has me a bit distracted and confused... i'm so sleepy.
I guess i did have a lot to write, too bad i really didn't say too much.
boo hoo heh theres that crazy emo kid in me again. I can't get away from the sunnyday... i just like want to fuck this music... wouldn't that be cool?!?!?! hmmm or maybe the music makes me ears feel like orgasm...
Okay that's enough rubish for one day... or even a whole week. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| *Sigh*
Oh my... so things are going great.
The apt has really come together. We are still planning on moving things around in the living room but that will happen soon enough.
I hardly see my roommate. Maybe twice or three times a week. It works out though and i know that once she gets a job out here she'll be around more.
Work is going just fine. It's kinda boring but whatever a job is a job you know. I'm doing pretty good about money. I'm just spending where i need to.
So i've been having a good amount of sex. HA! yeah... it's rad. He's rad... he makes me giggle and smile all the time, not on purpose but he's just so funny and cute and like a little fucking kid. He does what he wants and says whatever he feels like too. He's poor and dirty. He calls me a freak and tells me to shut the fuck up i tell him fuck you jump off a bridge. All while exchanging giddy smirks. We're like little kids together i nag him and he calls me names. I smoke his pot and drink his beer. then we have sex and fall asleep ineachothers arms.
We watched sid and nancy last night. He listens to punk music... he is a punk. but he's not. he's nice and sweet and respectful... a bit high strung and freaks out when he has no pot. when he has pot, he loses it... and gets pissed. he's a cigarette nazi. he has good taste in movies... i think...
I don't know why he likes me. I don't know why i like him... well no i mean he's sweet and cute and he glows like a little kid and he has a lot of hurt in him he's from san diego and he misses his family he misses the beaches and his tattoo artist he's an alcoholic and a pot head he moshes at punk shows and his clothes are filled with holes... he has a misfits tattoo and not one piercing. He's indecisive he's a dog person he says excuse me for me when i burp. He doesn't touch me unless he wants to do it or he's pushing me out of the way. He plays the guitar and he's an artist. He always tells me how to do things... which really bothers me but he can't help it so i just say okay even though i know damn well how to cook a frozen pizza...
..........*shrug* i have no idea and i really don't care. I don't think he'll hurt me and i don't think i could hurt him. I don't think we'll get attatched... i don't think either of us will even try to attempt to make the other commit to a relationship. I enjoy his company and i like having sex with him.
I've lost what i would guesstimate to be about 10 pounds in the last two months. I can't push my gut out and my pants hang off my ass even with my belt at the last hole. My boobs are smaller. My hip bones stick out a mile.
FUCK i'm updating so that means i'm at home... i want to leave but i have to wait for my clothes to finish drying.... I HATE BEING HERE! I'm sooooooo fucking stoked to live elsewhere now. I love them, don't get me wrong but fuck.... *sigh* it's so stressful. My brother bothers me, i see so much of myself in him when i was that age and i fucking hate it. whatever.
I'll be back at home soon enough... alone... ahhh yeah. Work in the morning no plans for the night which is cool with me, i've been busy i want to just chill.
Well yeah that's all. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
OMG so i moved this last weekend and have no computer so updating will be a little lagging.
So i moved it worked out well and we're still getting shit together blah blah blah boring.
This boy at work o m g. Yeah so my bad i stayed the night at his place and did stuff i only hoped i wouldn't regret. Now though i don't give a shit the only issue is this fucking girl we work with.... she's a total BITCH and has a stick up her ass and is crazy and stupid. I like this guy but i know it wouldn't work out because we are so different.... well i guess we're kinda the same but have little to nothing in common. Oh well though, i really don't want a boyfriend anywasy. I do like him though, there is something that i cant put my finger on that causes us to be interested in the other. What it is, is beyond me. I guess it doesn't matter though. He lives in a party house full of punks. They're nice people but i am NOT a punk at all. I can be crazy and not give a fuck when i'm drunk but i don't look anything like a punk... i look sooooo normal. UHG and the WHOLE house heard us and then the next day at work a couple of them came in to get pierced and i was just like AWWWWWKward.
*Sigh*
He torn me up on top of it. By the 4th hour my vagina was just like FUCK THIS and FUCK you you can't come in anymore the door is shut and locked. It was annoying. Aswell as frustrating.
Anyways it's a looooooong story.
I'm doing fine and really HA a TOTAL weight has been lifted from my shoulders now that i have had sex and it was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much sex i think i would be good for another 6 months HA! HA! oh man....
Thats it | | comments: Leave a comment |
| UHHHHHGG!! I am soooooooooooooooooo retarded...really.
So today was my brothers first day of middle school. It's a new school and he has to take the bus but he didn't know where to get off or how to walk there so i went with him. Tons of kids were on the bus it was fucking packed. They were mostly high school kids and they were all yapping with eachother and i'm sitting there accross from my brother watching him squirming inside. He's very good at keeping himself cool and calm though, you wouldn't be able to tell he was nervous had you not known him. So i'm sitting there on the bus thinking my brother should try to meet someone, see what school they go to and shit like that, then i think to myself "HA! YEAH cause it's just THAT easy! I'm sitting here, 20 years old, and i can't make a single friend. How TOTALLY rediculous is that." Just the thought of how stupid my situation is...or how i make my "situation" so fucking difficult, i'm cracking up on the inside while i half fight a shit eating grin on the outside. I use cinicism (if that is even a word) to make excuses for why i don't try to meet people. I tell myself that these people are so stupid and clicky and superficial and shallow that i want no part in it other than to sit back watch and make little snide comments tomyself in my head. Really though? Who is the pathetic one here?
Tonight my job is having a bowling gathering. My first thought was ptth i'm not going bowling, what a waste of time. Then it was hmm maybe i should, it could be fun. Then it was oh my gawd i don't know if i should or not cause i'm so awkward in social environments!
....jesus christ
It's so silly! I have this social anxiety and i've had it for as long as i can remember... and as a child or a preteen or even a teen there is plenty reason to be scared, kids are fucking cruel and fucked up and they don't even understand and theyre awkward and have little to no selfesteem and they don't know who or what the hell they are. I, myself, am 20... i'm 20! I'm not old, but i'm certainly not a totally confused and distraut teen anymore. I have a pretty good grasp on my idenity, purpose (whateever that means) and i'm faily independent. So what fucking excuse do i have to be scared? NONE! *Sigh* They're my coworkers and like my peers from school, i'm around them often, but unlike school We're not little kids, we're adults, we WORK together and most of us are much more mature than we were when we were 13.
Now heres the thing, I'm 20... but i'm only 20. It hasn't been long since i was 13 or 16 or 17 when that/this anxiety was soooooo strong and my self esteem was nonexistant. It's taken me the last 3 years to manifest any sense of self value worth importance respect... all those things i find are very important for finding ones self. So really, i can give myself a break and say hey, it's not stupid that i'm nervous or a little scared of social situations or meeting new people or even putting myself out there to form friendships, even on a superficial level. At the same time i cannot use that as an excuse to be a hermit. There really is no reason to be afraid, as long as i'm aware that you know what, yeah, so it's a little uncomfortable cause it's out of my comfort zone buuuuuutt it's not going to kill me. Jumping off a bridge will kill me, getting in a car reck could kill me... eating some bad chicken could potentially kill me, but stepping out of my "comfort zone" will most certainly NOT kill me. Socializing with coworkers outside of work will not kill me... unless of crouse one of them is a serial killer or if i'm out and i get hit by a bus.......
ANYWAYS the point is, i am not a little kid anymore, i am not a teen anymore, i'm not in fucking high school anymore, i am an adult, be it a young one but one none the less. And the only things adults need to worry about are money work surving and praying that they find someone so they don't have to die alone... not silly little kid things like what could happen if i went bowling tonight.
So... to add to the tension, i'm growing rather fond of one of my coworkers. He's total punkrock, broke, an alcoholic and somewhat of a pot head, not to mention he has a warrent for his arrest in san diego. But he is also really sweet and he seems fun and he's an aries (like me) an artist (who doesn't draw often anymore... probabl;y because he's too busy getting wasted...) and he's pretty adorable (personality as well as looks.) I'm pretty sure he's into me too. I'm not cocky, i'm modest, but he's kinda obvious. He flirts like a little kid, if he walks by me he'll punch me in the arm or push me, he'll tell me i suck or flip me off. We can't talk to eachother without a shit eating grin on our faces and we make eachother laugh. One girl said that he totally likes me and another can't understand why he's a total asshole to everyone else we work with other than myself. We had lunch together the other day and we stood on the sidewalk talking and didn't want to end the convo till he had 10 minutes left of lunch and had to run up the street to get some food. I talked to him about the veggitarian who worked next door and he snered as he responded with a "You think THAT guy is cute?" Then later that same day i went out for a cigarette and the guy from next door was outside too and we started talking and then the boy from work came out and seemed a little taken aback by me talking to him and interjected to introduce himself to the cafe veggie boy. It was so cute. He seems nervous and figgity when he talks to me. It makes me feel good. No wonder girls are so flirty, the response that you get makes you feel like some sort of god. I think its awful though... i mean... it's very selfish. I get nervous and giddy around guys i like, especially if i know the "feeling" is mutrual, but when i squirm inside i'm just adorable on the outside with my smiling face and giggles and hair swirls and flailing hands as i talk the guys ear off.... *sigh* oh but alas, i told myself after the last work relationship i wouldn't do it again. It's drama and complicates things that are normally comlicated to begin with. It causes gossip amongst coworkers and sly glances across rooms. It puts people in awkward situations. As of right now i will just play it cool... and koi... like a fish or a cat.
So to bring all of this together; the thought of seeing him and hanging out with him outside of work and not only outside of work but outside of work at a work function is so complicated for me (much like this sentence). It's confusing and absolutley terrifing!
Deep breath
Outside of my head, it is nothing more than what it is. It could be fun or it could be boring, either way it won't give me the plague and it won't get me fired from my job.... it COULD get me a DUI.... BUT that's up to me and is pretty much in my control. heh.
Another deep breath
It's so easy... but it's even easier for me to make it difficult... in fact, i don't even have to think to make the situation difficult. Or maybe i'm wrong, maybe i just have to not think and it will all be so simple... because after all, that is what it is.
Well i have to eat now before i pass out... i feel a bit woozey... and malnutritiened (HA! way to BUTCHER a word...haha butcher like meat which i like to eat...heh....)
fuckin a | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| RAWR
I'm moving in 5 days. I'm excited. I cannot fucking wait! Really like i think i could more excited but i don't wanna work myself up. I think it'll be really good for me. I'm young and i really don't NEED to move quite yet but the oppurtunity came up and i see no reason to not take it.
I'm tired. It's really hard for me to get out of bed these days. I don't know if it's cause i'm bored or if i'm just lazy.
Work is going fine. I really like the people i work with minus a couple people.
One of my managers is kinda weird. He's kinda gay and a pervert. For example, there was this super cute little puppy that came into the store and yes i got excited and pet it but like he was jazzed about it. He fucking took a picture of the little girl and the dog with his cell phone.... it might not sound that gay but you had to have seen it... it was really really gay... as well as entertaining. Or like he will compliment some of the female coworkers on silly little things like their chest piercings. He isn't old and perverted, he's just kinda retarded. Whatever though, he isn't asshole.
Then theres this other girl who really shouldn't bother me but she kinda does. She's weird and moody.
And then theres this other girl who is just kinda annoying....
Reallly ahhhhh whatever! There are plenty of other things i can bitch about than my coworkers.
I started reading a new book. It's another Irvine Welsh book, his newest one that came out this year. He's pretty amazing. I've only really read two of his books but they were enough. I've read one of his short stories and like i said before now i'm readingt his new novel. It gives me something to do before work since i get there atleast 30 minutes early.
*Sigh* i need to have more fun... i want to have more fun. I'm turing into a crotchity old woman. I'm only 20 and i complain about being tired and how i'm too lazy to go out and party. OH MY GAWD! I'm 20 for fucks sake. I should be doing crazy things while my body can handle it. I'm just stupid.
Whatever | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Oh pooh.
I'm bored.
I haven't been doing anything other than working and sleeping.
I'm SUPPOSE to move out on the 30th but i don't know. I'm scared it just will not work out. My firned is having a hard time finding a job out here and i am going to be totally broke. I'll be able to aford rent and things like that but all my money will be spent on food rent utilities cableinternetphone auto insurance cellphone.... oh and laundry. The things other than that that i need are cigarettes and gas. That is all i need. Neither of those things are cheap.... NOTHING is cheap. I'm not worried, i just don't want to be broke all the time even if i get all the things i need paid for. I want to be comfortable and not live paycheck t pay check. I don't even have rent to pay for right now and i've been living paycheck to paycheck.
*Sigh*
But i'm ready. It will be good for me.
....yeah i'm doing just fine but i'm bored... i feel like going out and being social and having fun.
I'm SUPPOSE to get tattooed today.... i already know it won't happen....whatever i cannot complain, they're free. But it would be nice to actually get what i expect.... well HA i expect to get rescheduled for the 3rd time.... so yeah fuck it i'm done.
I need to tattoo more! I was suppose to tattoo this girl tonight but it was planned a week ago and i haven't heard from her and i don't have anything new drawn for her. I.E. it's not gonna happen, which is fine with me cause i totally don't want to do it :)
...
I'm gonna go spend money on coffee now, even though it's 3.30 that i should NOT being spending on coffee but i dont care.... i need it.
I wish i had given my number tot hat cute boy from the art store... | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Woah... so get this, i really have nothing to bitch about.
I mean, i can always find something to bitch about but really, why?
Yesterday i realized that i seriously have never been happier.
Everyone i work with seems angstie and bitter... which is typically the same story with me... but not so much anymore.
I do everything at work with a smile and a great attitude and i don't even have to try.
Nothing is bothering me. My self esteem is cool and i really feel like everyday i'm more and more comfortable with myself and my "idenity."
I'm single and sex free but it's all good. Whenever i was with someone i would change and adapt. Totally subconsciencely i would try to be what the other person wanted and that would cause stress and confusion... aswell as unfair resentment. And with sex i need to be constantly reassured of my sex appeal other wise i would fret. Being single and sex free i don't have to give a shit about pleasing others.
I was worried being single and without friends and socializing i wouldn't have experiences and i wouldn't learn or grow... but instead my whole entire being has changed, for the better.
I can get lonely but not very often.
There is a down side to being cheerful, though. Most people aren't. Most people are bummers and bitch a lot about stupid shit. Most people have no problem being a negative nancy. It doesn't bother me though... it's just a bummer. I know that not too many peoples' lives are quite as simple as mine but you make it what you want. I never HAD to be stressed or overdramatic about trivial situations with boyfriends or shit like that. In fact, had i just took a chill pill things would have been much easier for not only myself but the other person aswell. I used to let other peoplese emotions latch onto me, but now i just do my thing i guess.
I've noticed i think a lot less now too. I mean at night when i'm alone and trying to get to sleep my brain is racing but during the rest of the day i just zone out basically. I don't think i'm spacier than usual.... but that doesnt say much cause i can be pretty dense at times. Ignorence is bliss. I'm not ignorent nor am i in denial, but shit that isn't staring me directly in the face has none of my attention what so ever. It's like a defense system to avoid being overwhelmed or stress. If you take one thing in at a time... one step at a time... one thought at a time... it's all about baby steps bitches.
So...yeah...
I don't have a god to keep my hopes up... or a god to believe in, but i have the trees and the sky.
I have goals and i have my whole life to look forward to.
Oh... and i have NOTHING or NOONE or any situation to bitch stress cry or whine about.
I know... envy me and my energy... it's rad. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| New job: It's rad, i dig it. It's pretty boring when the business is slow, but otherwise it's fun. The people i work with are cool. There are only a couple people i'm iffy about.
I'm moving out at the end of this month. I'm really nervous and starting to feel a bit overwhelmed. Because it's a family owned property things are a bit more complicated aswell as a bit more simple. The rent is hella cheap but the appartment needs work. They say they'll have it ready but i still worry about it.
Things are going alright overall. I can't really complain. Oh, i can complain that the bus i catch from work doesn't go all the way up to my house after 8pm so i have to get a ride from the bottom of the hill up to the house.
I'm a little bit lonely... or i don't know.
A few nights ago i was feeling a bit frisky and thought i might enjoy some alone time. The result was great, it has been a REALLY long time since i've gotton off and it was a sweet relief. While i was glowing from the aftermath i just started crying. It totally came out of fucking left field i didn't know what was going on but it was totally uncontrolable but at the same time felt almost as refreshing as my orgasm. I got dressed and went outside to have a cigarette and my emotions calmed down but i didn't want to stop crying. Obviously something has been pent up but it had to of been totally subconscience cause i haven't been feeling like i need to cry or feeling upset period. I don't know if i was just happy to have that refreshing amazing feeling or if i was just hella sad that i was totally alone.
Either way i didn't feel bad... i just needed to cry.
*Shrug*
I have no gas in my car... and little money in my wallet.
My fortune cookie said that contentment lies ahead in the near future.
I've been feeling a lot less content than usual.
Maybe it farther away than i thought.
Either way... i'm not bad. In retrosect, I'm doing amazing. I have shit to look forward to everyday no matter how little. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Yesterday was my first day at my new job. My new job being a piercing/tattoo/random objects such as spray paint belt buckles stickers patches gold chains zippos hair dye... you get the idea, shop.
It was a long 7 1/2 hour shift. I like working a full day on my first day cause that gives me time to get comfortable rather than taking a week.
There was a lot of information given to me. I know a good amount about piercings so that helps but then i have to remember prices and fill out a bunch of paper work for those who want to get pierced. It seems pretty easy... or not that hard.
I have to take the bus but it takes like 75% of the stress away. No matter how long i have been working at one place i am ALWAYS stressed driving to work, i'm worried i won't be on time or i won't be early enough.
The people seemed nice enough. They make me feel pretty normal looking though... but i don't know, i feel like this is who i am and i'm pretty comfortable with my idenity right now so i really shouldn't give a rats ass if i don't dress funny or wear all black or have grungey looking hair. But yeah, most of the piercers act like they hate being there... prolly cuz they do cuz they've been there for so long.
Oh... and the business is a total whore. Shitty jewelery with high prices. Do your best to persued the customer to get a more expensive piercing with the most expensive jewlery to go with it. It seems like the sales can get competetive... we don't get comission but we write our names on every sale.
It's fun when there are people in the shop, it can get REALLY busy and the piercer just canks out piercing after piercing.
I'm nervous i'm not agressive enough. Oh and the owner LOVES it when you say hi and goodbye to customers... every single one no matter how many other employees have said it.
....I find that my morals and values have changed a lot of the years and i don't know if i will be able to fake the attitude or be able to fake believe in the product... we'll see though. And really... if you're going to that place for a piercing you're stupid anyways... that shit is so over priced.... but anyways WOOOOOO! Go team! did always want to be a cheerleader maybe this is my chance.... but i wanted to be a cheerleader so i could be lifted up and do flips and shit.... but i did take this job cause i can make a living off of it and it has possibilities to become an artist there.... however long that may take....
So that's pretty much it. Today is my second day and i have to leave to catch the bus in 30 minutes. I can't say i'm excited about going to work but it is only the second day.... but it isn't my gift shop, that's for sure. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| oh, bother!
I'm very lonely... i was soooo lonely going to bed last night i had to tell myself how silly it was and that i had no reason to be sad.... cuz i dont. So i don't have a lot of people in my life... and sadly enough there are....... three people i enjoy and feel comfortable talking to about problems and things... and two of them are currently unavailable.
I'v been having dreams about my ex again and it's awful.... i don't think they will ever really go away... he's not the only ex i dream about. Theyre always the same, he's always drunk and he's always trying to cuddle me and i always feel awkward. It's because of St. Patty's night... i hate him for that, i really do, it was VERY painful... uh i can think of maybe 3 other things in my life that were as painful.
My other ex got me pregnant and i hated myself for letting it happen with him. He was... is a gross person and i shouldn't have been so desperate. It was one of my lowest lows.
I don't want my ex back. I don't want to talk to my ex. Everytime i try going to him for adivce or anything he ends up frustrating me cause he doesn't help he doesn't give advice he just tells me shit isn't easy and i have to deal with it.... typically all while he's drunk. Why... who would want that?!
*Sigh*
I don't like being alone. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| *Sigh* So for the last couple of days i've been feeling rather optimistic.
I got a new job that will be making me good money. It's a boutique/ piercing and tattoo place. I'm really excited and i start the monday after my vacation which works out awesome like. It will be a great oppertunity for me aswell as paying the bills. I'll get to meet new peolpe and hopefully people who have a common interest as me. The only down side is i will have to leave my current job which i love... and i will be working 7 days a week.
So thats super good news and its something i have to look forward to.
I finally got tattooed last week which was awesome. I got a Fu dog and a peony on my chest... on one side and then there will be another on the other side soon.
I feel lonely here and there but i'm doing better over all.
I'm ready for vacation. I'm tired... tired of having obligations every day.
I think it won't take long for me to get worn out working 7 days a week.
Today i feel a bit lonely, i miss having a boyfriend but at the same time i know i'm okay without one. The only real bummer thing is that when i get lonely i think of my ex and it's lame cuz i don't REALLY miss him, i just miss having someone and since he was the last one he's the one i think of. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Yawn I'm bored.
I went to the tattoo shop today and blah it was boring. I left early. I cleaned tubes and our biohaz sink and touched up the pink in my heart on my finger with my boss's new Jap pink ink. It's called "jap" pink but it's more like 1980s pink ^_^.
Tattoos hurt.
I HATE my hair. I want to shave it all off but i know i can't. I'm trying to grow it out.... why? I don't really know why i feel this need to have long hair. So like an process i am waiting for it to look better... it's taking a really long time to grow. I almost just want to get a short hair cut so it looks better but that totally defeats the purpose of growing it long. I don't know though, i just want it to look good so i guess if it's easier to cut it maybe i should. It's been HELLA long since it's been long. It's a real test of my patience.
Uhg yeah i just feel kinda crummy about my appearance right now. I really hate that tho cuz it turns into feeling crummy about my self as a whole.
On an awesome note i got this sweet yoga book with all the yoga postures that exisit. It's WAY rad. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I slept in an hour today... like i normally do... My alarm goes off at 9 and i hit the snooze every 8 minutes till 10 which seems rather silly... i should either get up at 9 or just fucking set the alarm for 10. During that hour of sleep that is constantly interrupted i have really fucking odd dreams. The one i had right before i woke up was at work and it was really dark like the lights weren't working so i kept going in the back to turn them on but it was dark back there too and i couldn't see. It was really odd.
Whatever though it wasn't a big deal.
I've been doing pretty alright. I'm just working and tattooing and going to yoga. There isn't a whole lot going on. That's all okay with me but i don't know, i suppose i'm getting kind of bored. I'm getting tattooed, as well as tattooing, next week which is kinda exciting. Things are gonna have to get a little bit more hecktic too once i find a 3rd job :( but whatever i need to make money so i can move out.
So things have been going okay- i still love my job and the tattoo thing is going along. Tue. night i had to finish that tattoo i started last week and i was pretty nervous but it went great. I know i can do this tattoo thing BUT i am also aware that it's going to be a fucking pain in the ass for the first couple of years. I think as long as i keep reminding myself that it's okay and everyone goes through it i'll be fine. This will be a real test of my self worth heh my self worth that i'm still working on building. I've been going to yoga and it's swell. I love it so much. I love feeling my body change.
Sooooo... the only thing that is kinda bummin me out is the lack of love and touch. It's only been a couple of months since i've been physically touched but it's been a lot of months since i've been touched by someone i have deep emotional feelsing for. With tattooing i've been touching a few people and it's such a serious thing tattooing, like (whether a person realizes it or not) letting a tattoo artist tattoo you is more than a tattoo, you are trusting this person to totally penetrate your space bubble, having their hands on your body/skin. I'm a very loving person, whether i like someone or not i respect the body a very large amount. Your body is so special and it's the only one you have... unless you believe in different lives... but i don't. Anyways there is a point i'm getting to; I've been touching other people but i want to be touched. I want to FEEL affection. A hug or anything more or even something less. I just want to feel a hand on my body. Sexual or not, lovingly or just sexually, whatever. I want the energy from someone i love... i want to feel loved. This might not be making much sense but the point is very simple.
I miss that feeling i had when i first started dating my ex. I miss being held.
*Shrug*
A simple hug from someone other than my mother will do. But a REAL hug, not a hey that was rad dude arm around the shoulder w a pat on the back.
It's isn't the act of the physical touch it's the energy and feeling that comes from it, and if there is no feeling in it, it's pointless.
I'm not tripping over it by any means, but it's just something that everyone can agree on... i mean, everyone needs love and affection. I just miss it, that's all, i know it will come around at some point.
So on another note; I did my first hand balancing yoga posture last night! YAY! It was pretty simple but i spent all day stretching out my hips and trying to open them up as much as i could, mainly because i had a huge knot in my left hip/thigh.
Yoga rocks. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| I've been really frustrated lately.
I feel like things aren't working out. It's silly cause i have total control over everything.
I'm worried about money cause i need to move out and i need to get a third job and i need to stop spending my money.
I don't know about this tattoo thing either. I'm so scared i know it's up to me though. If i want it to work i can totally make it work.
Last tattoo i did didn't work out so well but i didn't fuck it up... i just had a hard time doing it. I'm going to try and finish it tonight.
I feel like the guys at the shop feel weird about me tattooing.
I don't know but i'm nervous.
*Sigh* | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
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